True Believers: The Tragic Inner Life of Sports Fans

"To me, the Phillies and Eagles are exactly like nicotine," writes Joe Queenan in his painful and deeply funny book. "A preposterously noxious semi-hallucinogenic substance capable of giving great pleasure for brief periods of time, but that will ultimately destroy your health."

---

And the Crowd Goes Wild/And the Fans Roared

The Fanatic's Guide to Sports

The Official 2004 Sports Fanatics Walmanac: A Calendar for Sports Fans Everywhere

From San Diego to Miami, the American tradition of sports fanaticism is alive and cooking like a tailgater's grill. Whether they're pouring out to watch their teams compete in sub-zero temperatures or enduring lava-like levels of sweat-inducing heat, diehard fans will stop at almost nothing to cheer on the men and women of their favorite sport. If you'd like to become one of your team's most devoted fans, follow this game plan, and you'll be one of the best in the business.

• Pick a team or teams. I'm sure this sounds pretty obvious, but it's the first important lesson of a true sports fanatic. You can't go from team to team, picking whomever happens to be in first place. To be a true fan, you must choose a team you would be willing to skip your brother's wedding to watch. And if you're lucky, your brother will be right behind you.

• Look the part. Whether you've settled on somebody to cheer for, or you've always had a favorite, one thing is certain. You have to represent for your team. A fanatic doesn't just wear a cap to a game either, he goes the whole nine yards. Essential items include — but aren't limited to — body paint, handmade signs, noise makers, jerseys, Car flags, and soap to mark your team's winning scores on your vehicle.

• Remember your own home field.
As a sports fanatic, of course, you will give your left leg to cheer your team on from the stadium, but if that's not possible, you still want to feel the stadium's energy. That's why you'll need to adorn your house with memorabilia. A general rule of thumb: If people can't tell who you cheer for within one second of entering your house, you haven't gone far enough.

• Know what you're dealing with.
It's your duty as a sports fanatic to know your team's past glories — and defeats. Who was the best player? Who won the most games between your team and its biggest rival? You should answer questions like these within seconds.

• Fanatical friends help. It's just not as much fun cheering all alone, and if you're dealing with a crowd hostile toward your team, it could be dangerous. Make sure you bring some buddies along to share your fanatical fervor. If nothing else, you can sit around with them and argue over your favorite players, and who's the most devoted fan.


Written by Jacob McCrea

Are you a sports fanatic? Send us pictures of you decked out in your team gear.
E-mail us!